‘Retired, now, after many years of service, the mystery solving kombucha mother, known affectionately as ‘SCOBY,’ can be found souring the water of a two-ton tank off I-295 in New Jersey. ‘SCOBY’ is kept alive by the grace of the state where, in the nineties, it served as an unorthodox mascot for local law enforcement. ‘SCOBY’ was wheeled about in its tank, visiting elementary school classrooms in the mornings to tremble at the though of the audience considering recreational drugs, and to crime scenes in the evening, where it shuddered and gulped over bludgeoned corpses and stolen art.
It might be noted, here, that ‘SCOBY’s’ communication is limited to twitch-like movements and brief gurgles. At the outset, these were interpreted by the group of teenagers that discovered it and who, after hundreds of crime scenes and long media tours, dispersed. Only one of the original five remain in the state and he has refused contact with ‘SCOBY’ for nearly a decade.
‘SCOBY’s’ collaboration with the police ended when it exposed a deep corruption at work among officers. It quickly became a mascot for anti-police factions and, rather than make a martyr of a mushroom, the state placed ‘SCOBY’ in its current limbo with a signboard that sidesteps its history by describing it only as ‘the largest kombucha mother in the state.’ Attempts to communicate with ‘SCOBY’ through the glass have widely failed. It has instead become a sort of inactive pilgrimage site for those wronged by the police.
Admission is charged on the basis of donations. Visitors receive a bottle of ‘SCOBY’s’ kombucha for every five dollars spent. Connoisseurs maintain that it is nearly undrinkable and witches claim that it makes for incredible results in the magic of truth-telling.’
At some point in the previous year, a local police department donated a plaque to ‘SCOBY’s’ tank. It says ‘FEEL FREE TO TAP THE GLASS.’ ‘SCOBY’ doesn’t acknowledge me when I pry it away, but it feels good to do it.
-traveler
