‘Well-meaning but largely racist anyway, ‘Them All of America’ is a tinkerer’s quaint and obsessive take on Disney’s classic ‘It’s a Small World,’ ride located in the eastern region of the Crease. The first iteration of ‘Them All’ began with the relatively simple overhaul of a disused automatic car wash and, though it has grown since that time, the first leg of the journey still begins in the same aging structure. This prelude, which largely focuses on cultures native to the Americas, offers guests some insight into the evolution both of the exhibit’s technological aspects, as well as the manic guilt the owner seems to feel regarding the plight of American minorities, an umbrella term that has expanded beyond race to encompass sexual and gender minorities as well.
Manic you ask? Well, yes, let it be clarified:
Few rational citizens could argue with the ‘Them All of America’s’ owner in his understanding of underprivileged demographics. Some might even call the wide and yet increasingly specific net he casts a noble, if not ultimately impossible, inventory of the country’s misdeeds. Nearly all citizens, rational or otherwise, however, would agree that his representations of these cultures are drawn from the shallowest caricatures available and the result is a gaudy minstrel act that, assuming one refuses to abandon their car mid-show, lasts just over two hours in 2024. Previous iterations of this Guide have attempted to describe portions of the ride’s narration, half-spoken, half-sung, but these passages have been removed for being inflammatory even in the form of summary. Suffice to say, it is an embarrassing watch for any demographic.
It should be noted that ‘Them All of America’ is considered responsible for the death and disappearance of several families over the course of ten years. The ride itself is harmless, but the destination sometimes preempts search results for ‘The Mall of America,’ leading drivers into the valley of the Crease wholly unprepared for what awaits them there.’
-an excerpt, Autumn by the Wayside
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